26 July 2025 – Sad Lemons.

I’m really going through it right now.

Yesterday felt like hitting rock bottom. But I'm feeling I'm hitting rock bottom monthly now, some times weekly. Which is an improvement.. the speed now is faster. For the last 3 years my rock-bottoms were way more spaced out, and also me staying in the rock bottom feeling.

Today, I’m defeated. Beaten up. Exhausted.I feel like I can’t keep going. Like I just don’t want to.

Healing. Understanding myself. Making space for my emotions. All the work—letting go, acceptance, surrender, forgiveness, shifting perspectives, unbecoming... it’s all so much.

Letting go of what is before you know what’s next—that’s the terrifying part. And that’s exactly where I am now. If I'm honest, it feels like the 50 shades of grey. The unbecoming without becoming quite yet. Its like never ending.

My hands just want to open and let go. In fact, I think they already did.

I can’t keep it together. Nothing in me wants to be at my job anymore—and everyone can see it. Even my manager, who’s probably the most understanding person I’ve worked with, who genuinely wants to help me, is starting to lose patience. And honestly, I don’t blame him.

But the truth is: I don’t want to be there anymore. And I don’t know where I want to be. I don’t know what I can be! I don’t know what my North Star is, when it comes to a career.

And the worst part is: I’m not even in a place where I want to figure it out.

Because I’m still grieving. Grieving my past, my losses, my self. I’m sad—and I’ve been trying to give myself space to just be sad. No deadlines. No pressure.

And then, last week, I had a falling out with my only two friends in Canada (but I don't want to get too much into that now). So now, I don’t really have anyone to talk to…except ChatGPT (which honestly concerns me a little—but he listens. He understands.)

I don’t want people to ask me when I’ll be okay. I don’t know. And I’m trying to be okay with not knowing.

I’m practicing acceptance. Trying not to judge where I’m at. Trying to trust there’s a purpose in all of this. Trying to allow space for everything to process. Im following the intuition that I'm trying to find (crazy I know)

But there’s this ticking clock in my head…This growing sense of detachment from my work.

I can’t explain it properly—how completely gone I feel. It’s like every cell, every atom in my body is on strike. They’re refusing to participate in this reality.

And there I was—sitting across from my boss as he told me how absent I’ve become. Asking me what’s happening. And it was just… too much. I don’t want to explain myself anymore.

I already exhausted myself trying to explain my inner world to my two ex-friends.(And look how that turned out…)

My manager asked me: “What do you want to do with your career?”

And inside, the only answer was: nothing.

Then he offered me an opportunity: “You’ll have to do the work of three people to get it. Are you in?”

And inside, I couldn’t have felt more out. But I said: “Yes, I’m in.”

I can’t even bring myself to do the one job I have now. But here I am, saying yes to three.

All I want to do is cry. I’m bursting. I just want to leave.

After that, I had a lunch date. I was sad, overwhelmed, exhausted—and of course, he noticed. He said I looked tired and low in energy. I couldn't hide it, my face comes with subtitles.

All I wanted after that was to cry somewhere alone, in a closet or a bathroom . But I had to get back to work.

So I sat at my desk. Tried to do something, anything. Even asked a colleague for feedback—how to improve, how to re-engage.

But every word out of his mouth made me want to cry more. And I just sat there, holding it in.

At 4:00, I left work, rushed home to pick up my dog, and headed out to another date—this time in North Vancouver.

The taxi took forever, and finally, in the backseat, I had time to cry, for the first time in the day... and I cried. Silent tears. No sobs. Just tears rolling down my checks... while I was concern not to have puffy eyes and running make up... so I still try to hold the tears flow.

And I thought: Am I crazy? Going on a date in this state?

If the first guy noticed how off I was, imagine this one. But he was coming all the way from Squamish. It felt too late to cancel.

So I wiped my face.Tried to erase the subtitles. And for 40 minutes, in traffic, I just… thought.

What can I do with my life? What kind of job? What’s the plan if I get fired? I don’t even have friends to crash with if things fall apart.

Maybe I should live on a boat. Or in a van.

My mind spiraled.

And then I remembered this Instagram reel—a scene from a movie about “If life gives you lemons…”

And I thought: What do I have?

The answer?: Sadness.

So much sadness.

• Sadness 101

• Sadness for beginners

• Sadness university

• Sadness complementary courses

• Advanced quantum sadness

• My special program: Beautiful Sadness

  
  

That’s what I have. Plenty of it.

So maybe… just maybe… I should do something with that?

Now I feel like I’m at a crossroads.

Do I throw myself into this new role, this chance to shift careers—even though I’m not sure I’ll like it? Even though I know I don’t want to keep doing what I’ve been doing? I hate IT. I’ve hated it since I first studied it. But it pays the bills. And I can’t afford a year off to figure myself out.

But if I’m being honest… I think I’ve already left. Emotionally, spiritually—I’m gone.

The other path? Doing the bare minimum. Letting go. Allowing my sadness to unfold without a plan?

But I live in Vancouver. It’s so expensive. And “real life” gets in the way of letting myself fall apart. Of trusting the process. Of surrendering into the unknown.

On the other side of letting sadness unfold and express, they say, lies my fire. My inspiration. My strength. My self.

The version of me I’ve been working toward these last three years.The one who is free. Who accepts herself. Who doesn’t need validation. Who’s broken her chains. The elephant, finally happy to be an elephant.

But that self, she still needs to eat. She still needs to live.

So scary. Really scary. What to do? What to do?

If I keep going against myself—forcing myself down a path that already broke me—where does that lead? How much longer before I lose my grip?

Or do I do the bare minimum and trust the unknown? That has been my thing, in a way…

I’ve done it before. It was the spam email story.

I quit a good job after university and went with the wind. Wandered aimlessly. No plan. No savings. Living from all kind of odd jobs (Make up for weddings. Hair dues for events. Waitress on 24 hour shifts for only 10 dollars for the whole 24 hours. Finding brides for Chinese businessman. Selling internet in the black market -cubans were not allow to have internet back then. And many more). Never sure how I was gonna pay my rent, or eat. Just trying to find a way out of my country.

But it took 2 years. I was in my home country. My mom was somewhere 800 km away. My dad was still alive and I had friends. I also sank to the deepest hole of despair before this spam email changed my life forever and it was crazy.

Because it didn't come with bold letters and sparkly audio advertisements from the universe. It was sneaky and I had to fight for it. For every step till I made it out.

So… pretty crazy universal trust I had then. Still… I don’t want to repeat that again. I’m in Canada now. No family. No savings. No real safety net.

So what do I do?

Beautiful sad lemons? Or, keep swimming like a salmon who lays eggs just before dying???

I think I .... I choose..... sad lemons!!!!!!