Jan 4 2024 - I want…

What do I want … I wonder in bed every night..

I wonder while eating every day...

While going to work looking at the screen…

While walking the dogs…

While talking to friends...

While in silence…

While I shower…

While watching anime or Grey Anatomy to not wonder for a while… but I wonder… what do I want…

It’s been a long time since I have written anything, since anything moved me. It’s been too long living in silence, dying while living, every day, living in death. It’s been so long since my heart jumped. It’s been too long since I had anything to write about at all.

I gave my all. I did my all. I imagined my all. I cried my all. I broke my all and burned my all down a hundred times over. For someone else, I poured my all. I gave my every single piece.

I settled in defeat, in a graveyard of failed attempts. Million conversations, and lost planes, sleepless nights, distance, misunderstandings. 

The challenges of three different cultures. Opposite characters (empathy and apathy). Three different languages amongst a baby that’s not mine, a him and a me. The challenge of every single person around this baby and their points of view. Planes every week. Trains every weekend. The challenge of my work with no hours or boundaries. The tears, the solitude. The challenge of a breakup and being fired and nowhere to live. My joblessness for a year. Moving around and living in 3 places every week. The challenge of sleeplessness for a year. The challenge of fixing my relationship, creating a bond with a child while trying to grow and perform at a new work. 

In the ruins of the greatest love, the greatest pain, the greatest growth, the greatest fall, the greatest sacrifice, and then…. I started all over again, and again and again and again… 

I walked over my bleeding wounds, until there was no more blood, until there was no more pain, until there was no more feelings and I still kept walking.

I gave up my baby. I grieved, or did I?… and didn’t bury what I should have. I went astray from my voice and my fire and my passion and my beliefs, especially the belief in myself.

And then I kept breathing  and walking and wondering until I realized I didn’t know why I was doing all that and where I was going. Until I didn’t feel my legs, my arms or my hair. Until I didn’t realize I was not even moving at all. I was in inertia, in suspended animation, looking at my life from inside me.

Until all shattered. The tubes that gave me breath, the bed where I lay down, the floor under my feet, the roof over my head and the walls all around me. All of it at once. And I was out, in the cold, like a survival game.

I didn’t cry because I had no tears. Maybe I had a little panic in me. Was I capable of panic? And then I jumped started into action. Made a list, action steps, carried them away like a robot following a protocol when the worst comes to happen to put everyone to safety.

… and I made job interviews … and a driving license test.. and saw a therapist … and moved a continent away.

.. and I settled, only to find rougher waters and more turbulence to navigate… all that, while still wondering… what do I want.

And all became so overwhelming and I became a Netflix zombie, to not to wonder.. but I wondered.

And I slid into a relationship for 6 months, and one day... I broke into panic… I wasn't ready.

While in panic … I wondered…

I went out of panic and continued to function and made friends… and cooked and took care of my health and made sense of my work while I wondered. While going to bed every night.. and wondered.

I tried to find my voice. I tried to put my ears inward enough, to find this long ago,  very loud voice, but nothing. This voice that gave me crazy ideas, that I, even crazier, would follow. But this voice was not there. But fear was. Fear was there. Emptiness was there. Lifelessness and purposelessness was there. Numbness was there. Coldness was there…. while I wondered…

And then a Brian happened and my internal voice screamed loud and clear and I followed … and the dormant seed sprouted from suspended animation… and my heart moved, jumped, went crazy, intense. My compass lost direction (as usual, that’s how I know I’m working properly)… and now… lying in bed… feeling about Brian... I'm restless.. and I wonder.

What do I want? Do I want a Brian? Do I want to find another Brian? No. I have had so many Brian’s. For long and short,  intense, beautiful, painful.. so many Brian’s. I just left my 8 years old relationship Brian who left me in ruins… so no. Brian is not the answer.

I want to feel, but I only know the feeling when it is associated with another person, FOR ... another person.. but I don’t want that this time around.

I want ME!!!! I want to find me!!!! But how??? How do I do that? I want to get to know myself.

I want to put in so much work and dedication and effort to get closer to me. I want to grow, and to do, and to be proud of myself.

But how? How do I do that... I wonder…

For now, all I want to do is fall asleep 

... and while I fall asleep I wonder ... When did I start to wonder?