March 26 2026: Uncomfortable

Sitting in this caffe… working hours, my mind and body refuse to do what I'm supposed to be doing. My mind scans for possibilities of what to do. Scrolling is in at the forefront of it, but I'm sick and tired of that, like when you eat to much of one thing. I'm bored of it. My mind wanders to shopping, browsing, watching something. But none of those things seem to be an option anymore. My mind is craving something…. Its like a radar, sending out waves and scanning things and thoughts inside and outside. Looking, looking looking…. I don't know for what.

My mind thinks, how can I be more engaged with my life today? Reading books, but which books.? Learning something …. but what to learn? Doing something, but what to do… dance? Gym? Sports? My thoughts go to all the places and keep scanning all the options…. Craft something, but what? I'm in this uncomfortable ground and every minute I spend without moving, walking a step into one or another direction, without making a decision , every minute feels like a waste. Life it's moving, passing by and I'm staying still… going nowhere, doing nothing… says the permanent judge in my head. I go nowhere and do nothing. 

I'm so tired of my current circle, my current confort zone, it has become so uncomfortable. But what to do, what to do, what to do. 

I also feel like I have zero energy, physically tired. Exhausted. Mentally and emotionally drained. 

Listen Listen listen listen listen…. I repeat to myself

I sit down to meditate and my mind its like a spaghetti plate. Thoughts sometimes run in all direction, it's hard to chase them, to calm them, to organize them… to follow, categorize, and get anything out of them. It goes from chaos to sleeping. 

Hard to stay still… hard to move. Constant judgment. 

What to do in my life, with my life… what direction should I take? I'm hungry for chaos at this point, for adventure, for growth and learning something new, and being engage and feeling a flow, and chasing something with all my mind and interest and power. I'm craving to fight for something I believe in. No matter what at this point. Something that inspires me. No matter how simple or how crazy and invisible it is to others. I'm just craving something mine. Something that speaks to me. Something that fills my chest and lungs and head and each of my cells in the body. That excites me. For the first time. What is that something I wander?

Sitting here I wander what to do with this hours?

And most of my days die without any answer, without even trying. Just standing there, in the same spot. And live is running by. 

Its painful. 

And I want to take cover then in the known, in the scrolling and kill my brain cells with watching…so? What to do?

Maybe I stay in the uncomfortable place. In the blank and gray empty place. And just look at the wall? The trees, the people passing by, the wind, the rain, the rocks maybe in my bags? I look and listen and maybe in that unknown uncomfortable place something will speak to me? The plants in my house. The clouds through my windows? 

What is trying anyways? Is it staying still trying? I guess so.

I will practice to be very very uncomfortable!! Uncomfortable cold showers… uncomfortable staying still, uncomfortable being without judging myself, uncomfortably failing at meditation… Maybe I will aim to fail at everything… sounds... doable. 

I will make it a point of getting uncomfortable every day ... .is that a good idea? I don't know…

Working makes me very uncomfortable…. Maybe I should start working now. 

Maybe I should make a living in the uncomfortable north star?