Somewhere in 2023: Once upon a time - The Netflix zombie

(Once someone asked me - a guy I offered a Pedro position in my life: he declined with silence 😅 - why I don't want to escape, or what did I get by not escaping… I don't remember the question exactly… but I couldn't respond at the time… so this below it’s my context around escaping)

Constant mindless movement and doing. Keeping my mind occupied. At my worst, I would watch a whole series of 20 seasons with 20 episodes each of 54 minutes. I would watch this without pause. While I walk the dogs, while I cook and eat, while I'm in the shower. Non-stop. No silence in my head. I could feel how my neurones were melting on a mush of gelatine gray. This took everything from me. It's like a numbing system, like a sedative. The emptiness I was feeling became more empty and the lostness became more lost, so much more lost… I don't know why, but I just couldn't stop….. until I did. 

And it feels like what I imagine it would feel arriving in a city that was bombarded with atomic bombs. Or arriving on a planet with no life. I stop when there is nothing, or almost nothing left in me. When the hole I have carved is bottomless, and there is no oxygen, no reference point, no direction. Like what I imagine would feel like being lost in space. You can't see anything around you. You just float, in the dark, alone. You go nowhere, you see nothing, you are nothing, you want nothing, you know nothing. You just exist. 

This is one of my modes, the run, the escape. Whenever I feel uncomfortable, when I'm avoiding something because it is overwhelming, I don't realize I'm doing it. It took me a long time to realize I was doing it. That I was escaping, avoiding. I did this for at least 5 years… more?

Escaping … me, avoiding looking inside. 

One of the things that stressed me the most and has sent me the most to that place was the work. Whenever I didn't have anything defined to do. Or whenever what I had to do felt like a big ball of tangle and uncertainty and unknown and I just didn't know where to start and in what direction and if I was even making any progress and if I was starting in the right place and what was the priority. So I felt like this, lost, overwhelmed, then I started escaping. 

I'm trying to escape the way it makes me feel? Or I'm trying to escape to acknowledge that I have to do something about it,  and I don't know what? Or am I trying to escape something else? 

It feels like a monster I don't want to face. It's like a double monster. Because the situation that triggers it, it's a monster I'm escaping. But the way that makes me feel, hopelessness, lost, PURPOSELESS, empty, lazy, not good enough, and many other emotions, becomes another monster. That I also want to escape. The voice in my head that says, this is not new, it’s repeating and you are not doing nothing about it. I think I have many monsters, they might be interconnected. 

I'm not doing anything about changing my situation, anything about finding my purpose, anything about being better at work, anything about having a better financial and stable situation. All of those are monsters that I'm trying to escape. 

And I escape and avoid, until I can't anymore. And then I stop. Because … I'm also  brave, because inside of me, I also have a part that says - without a doubt - I know I can look inside. I know I'm not afraid to look and I know I'm capable of facing any monster. Capable of understanding and finding the root cause and solution. 

I'm very root cause driven, in everything I do, i don't know why. It's very important for me to find the root cause. Since childhood I approach everything I learned this way. Mathematics, never memorize things, I wanted to learn why and where this equation was coming from. Same in life.

I know I'm capable. It's a strong voice, Although sometimes it goes small, but it never disappears completely. The way I would describe it, It's like if inside of me I'm like a cosmos. A big space where there is a very hard rock, floating about, of the most indestructible material. That sometimes shrinks, and loses shine, but it never ever disappears. That's what I identify as an essential part of myself. That's what I identify as trust in myself. So, I don't exactly know why (that never ever disappearing “rock” that I'm aware it’s always there, If I think of it like a superpower) I don't use it. 

Why I don't wild it like a torch when I need to see, like a sword when I need to destroy, like an armour when I need  protection, like a pair of eyes and ears when I need perspective. I do it like this, but not all the time. Is available to me at all times, but I don't use it and choose it all the time. It's like , it requires so much energy for me to access it, to wild it, to choose it. So much energy!!!

It almost works like… when we are watching a movie, a manga, a superhero moment. When the main character it’s being beaten to the brink of death.. In the midst of hopelessness, lost, and we, the viewers, also have lost hope and think for sure he will die…. An internal, autonomous almost, will to live, shines through, and gives this hero a super power, and then he uses it, and then he defeats the monster. And live, and thrive. That's how it feels … how I access my belief in myself.. Sometimes…. I wish I could do it on purpose.