May 15 2024 - Conversation with Pedro

Our time together triggers an openness and vulnerability in me, that is confronted with the time apart, that triggers closeness and defense.

Inside me it feels should I open or not? 

I understand now after a conversation where he stands.  

So.. I don’t know where this leaves me.

I feel this way and he acts and stands and feels that other way. 

So what I understand from our conversation and also his actions is:

I'm like a wind of fresh air, a chip in a cookie, a little bit of sparkle here and there. He is only present at that moment when we are together. It does not have significant ripples in his life afterwards. Other than the casual thought and memory of our time together. 

What triggered my emotional imbalance?

• The overflow of his attention and details towards me. The intense expression of all of his feelings about our time together. I have never been praised so much in my whole life. From the looks to how I think and so on. How he feels when we are together and I quote: every time it's better than last (this makes me feel nervous. It feels like a benchmark that needs to be met?) 

• Our interactions make me feel things. Like wanting more proximity,  to be more open and vulnerable. To get to know him more. It feels all very intense. 

• At the same time, when we are not together, he just disappears. Our conversations online are meaningless. He sometimes reads my good mornings in the afternoon. I feel ignored all the time. It shows there is no interest in any connection other than when we are in person.

• These two very contrasting behaviors triggered my fears and defense mechanisms. Hot very hot and cold very cold. 

• Also there is the fact that he dictates all our meetings, timings, whens, wheres, when is convenient for him. Same with texting. He is only available when he wants to be.

• This possibly triggered me as well. Because of the cadence of meeting, the business, many matching points with how the relationship with my ex played out. And even though we are at the beginning of something, I might have projected a similar line into the future and acted based on that. 

How do I feel about this information?

• One side of me wants to let it be as it is. And try to surf it as it comes. Without walls. Without fear. Without expectations. And letting whatever takes place to take place, and whatever causes me to be caused, whatever that wants to grow to grow. To feel things without guard. Because for me that's the only way to fully connect. Want to walk the path to wherever it leads.

• The other part is terrified. I have done this in the past. I have jumped, million times in the name of connection and following feelings and I got bruised. Pulverized really. Do I want to jump once more?

• I have a fear of letting people in. Being me, what if they dont like me? Says the voice in my head. 

• I have been feeling more and more like I want to be completely me at all times. I have fear that when they know the true me they will walk away, but… what's the problem with that? I just need to really internalize that that’s ok. Is ok for people that didn't like me for who I am to walk away. I have to put this in my mind space. That there is no room to be anything else than me and accept the consequences of being me. By being me, and accepting and observing consequences, I also learn more about what I want to change, improve, grow towards, based on genuine interactions. 

• I dedicated 100 lives of energy and time to someone else. And now, I don't want to do this again. I want to be in an equal give and take relationship. Open, safe, communicative, and trusting. Where I feel valued. 

So what now? What's my decision?

• If I follow my philosophy about risk: I have to ask myself, if the worst comes to happen, can I take it?

• If I follow my philosophy about fears: Never take decisions based on fears. Fears are not the north star, but limitation and cages.

• If I follow my philosophy about connection. More than my philosophy, I would say it's my core value, a way of being: Connection can only happen when you are true, when you are open, when you are vulnerable. I'm more afraid of losing the opportunity of an amazing connection because I didn't dare, then opening up and being disappointed and hurt again.