May 24 2024: With you is very hard

When we are together I feel high in the sky. I feel excitement, and relaxed and bliss and possibility and expansion. I smile the widest. I feel a kind of happiness I haven't experienced before. I feel like a princess (which is a new side of me I didn't know about.. I'm usually on the hyper independent warrior side). I feel a thing, a connection that is hard to explain. My heart gets big and happy and I think you feel the same way.

When I come back home.. I’m jumping like a kid who went to Disneyland and had the best time of her life. But when the time passes, the distance settles, I feel just disappearance, coldness, indifference. I feel sad.…. and I question ….everything …. 

I question, how is it you don't feel the same happy feeling I do? Like the same wired connection? Like thinking about it afterwards? Its like my neurones had a party.... they are exited and firing.... The feeling of having met someone interesting, intriguing, that you want to keep interacting with, and getting to know more of?

I start to perceive your interactions with me are through an interface, an illusion that you set up through an invisible shield, designed to make me feel like “I'm inside”, interacting with your true feelings and your true self, but in fact is like a VR experience. 

It's like you could surgically remove me from your life with a clean cut, at any time no problem. No traces I was ever there. No intention of getting to know anything about me and letting yourself be known. Like you want to keep all these butterflies, fairies and magic so strong and undeniable… in a tiny little glass box that you keep in a room. And sometimes, you would look at it and smile and move on with the rest of your day.

On my side, the effect of our every interaction expands through my whole being like ripples in the water. It fills me up. It touches the rest of my day to day. Following those feelings… I write a message… a good morning? A thought? A feeling? An invitation? A wonder? With a smile on my face and butterflies all around I wait… and the hours pass by and it becomes a good afternoon…. a good evening, a good tomorrow? … and slowly their wings get tired of flapping… and they fall to the ground, and it hurts. 

And I don’t want to cut you off from my life because I feel my life is so interesting with you in it… and I feel yours might be too. I like this side of me I have discovered. 

I don’t want to fly and fall. I want openness,  vulnerability, proximity, connection. A reciprocal connection.

What to do.

Maybe this is just me, imagining all this chemistry... and my instincts are not good and all this is just one sided. And if it is… i just better move on and let you be … so you can have exactly what you are looking for: “Stress free, easy going interactions” as per your words. Because that for sure is not me. Not even if I try.... and is not like I want to try it.

Now I sit here wondering what are your plans for the weekend. I know you are a planner, and when you want something you will immediately plan for it, ask for it and make it happen. Meanwhile I sit here, feeling powerless. Like just at your disposal. Waiting on your call or text. 

Like a permanent cloudy sky, and the sun only shines for a few seconds, on the weekends. And I just wait.