May 19 2024 - Reflection reflection reflection: Brave, Stupid, and me

Myself…. Who is myself?

When I feel conflicted — what to do, what’s proper, what’s too soon, what’s too late, what’s right or wrong — I find it best to follow my instinct and/or my emotions. Sometimes they are the same, and sometimes not.

When in doubt, when the pressure rises, I always follow my guts. And my guts always want to talk… about whatever is happening. I will speak my mind. I find it stress-reducing and simply easier to be me (though I always run many alternatives in my head first).

I say I choose this way, but do I really choose? Sometimes it feels less like a choice and more like something I can’t control. I say I will always choose to be me — but is that really me? Or is it fear talking? The confusion? The hurt and the trauma?

It’s hard to know what’s “right” when your emotions toss you left and right like a fragile tree in a hurricane. In my head, I’m thinking: I don’t want to make the same mistakes. I try to gather all the lessons I’ve collected, all the cycles I’ve already survived, and put them together like a compass.

You would think I’d have it all figured out by now. What I want. What I don’t want. The best communication approach. How to listen. After eight years of what feels like a master’s and PhD in relationships and life experiences that played like a parallel reality I barely survived… you’d think I’d be immune. Nothing rattles me. Nothing makes me cry, or skip a heartbeat, or lose my breath.

Then I spent two years deep inside myself, doing nothing but reflecting. Connecting dots. Rediscovering who I am. And I thought I had it all together.

And then… someone comes along and pulls the carpet from under my feet. Suddenly the glass turns stormy and muddy. And I ask myself: where is my wisdom now?

It feels like a joke. Like my friends on the other side laughing at me:

“HAHAHAHAHAHA — you studied so hard to be your own captain, to read the winds and tie the knots, to choose a good co-captain. So let’s test you in the perfect storm.”

And they send the emoji match my way.

I guess it depends on the goals. What do I want to get out of my actions? Not scare the guy away? The guy who doesn’t like phone calls, doesn’t like conversations, and texts only when he feels like it?

If that’s the goal, I can play the game. I know what to do.

But that’s not the goal.

So… what is the goal?

What do I want? What do I feel? Why do I feel this way?

Until I know those, I can’t know what the “right thing” is. And in the meantime, I feel like an elephant in a glass shop.

Still — even if it comes from fear, confusion, hurt, or trauma — I prefer to face the consequences of following my instincts. If I make a mistake that causes someone to walk away, then I wear it. I scrutinize it. I dissect and analyze it. My mistake, I embrace.

And if it isn’t a mistake? Then what a wonderful feeling — maybe we get closer. Either way, I grow. I learn. I move forward, always being the best me I know at that moment.

Brave or stupid — they often feel like the same thing. But I am proud of both. Proud of the clumsy and the loud, and all the parts within me, the ones I know and the ones yet to be discovered.

As long as I act in alignment with my authentic self, there are no mistakes. Just learning experiences.